VB The Wise: Bride$maid$

Doug 'VB' Goudie
July 27, 2017 - 3:33 pm

  So now to the most horrifying story of the week; no, not Trump's twitter-bullying of Jeff Sessions, not Anthony Scaramucci's ridiculous public attacks of Reince Priebus, and not the Republicans Senate's feckless week with healthcare.  NO no, there was one story this week that was much more dastardly than those, and this story has much more far-reaching implications for the next generation than whether or not North Korea can hit us with an intercontinental ballistic missile.  I speak of a story that appeared in the London Sun earlier this week under the heading "Bride makes her friends bid on a spot in her wedding party".  (Oh man, somebody please sound an air raid siren.)  As the story says of the bride, "she has sent out dozens of invitations to various girls.  It's an invite to attend and participate in a bidding auction on the six spots in her bridal party."  (Quick, which way to the fallout shelter?)   And did I mention that "there's also an auction for the maid of honor?"  (Can you increase the morphine Doc, the pain is getting worse?)  All of which makes me wonder just how much the little ring bearer is going to have to pony up in order to get his gig?  (Better get that lemonade stand up and running right quick little Jack!)  To quote the announcer who witnessed the Hindenburg disaster "oh the humanity..."

   As frightening as this story is, the bright is that I actually think this story is Fake News.  I'm at least highly suspicious of it anyways.  Why?  Well here's where the article loses me, "my sister is throwing a tantrum that I haven't RSVP'd to the auction yet, and she's got my mom on her side too.  My mom says I will look bad if I don't put a bid in when it's my own sister."  Umm, I'm calling shenanigans on that one.  While I DO believe there is a mom or two out there who would actually say this to one daughter about another, I don't believe for a second there is a man in this world, no matter how desperate, that would still be engaged to this young lady knowing what a nightmare of a family he'd be marrying into.  No way.​  (And I don't believe for a second that he would be in on this.)  And yet, while I think The Sun is maybe making this story up, I do believe this concept will become a reality soon enough.  After all, with this "look at me' generation and its over-inflated self-worth ("I must tweet on what I've having for lunch, my public demands to know"), it is more thaneasy to picture some young lady reading this and thinking to herself, "hmmm, I like the way this reads..."  And it also does not stretch the imagination to believe that there are some women who would actually buy a spot in a bridal party, either out of sheer loneliness, or after having been bullied by the more popular bride.  (Score one for men here by the way, as I don't believe there is any man in the world who would pay five cents to be and usher or best man...)

   The article fails to mention if the bride has decided to write her own vows, but one thing's for certain; the line "for richer or poorer" will clearly be shortened by two words.  And I can't help but think that if this story is somehow true, then that poor sucker of a groom is in for one heck of a shock when, on their honeymoon, he starts to make his move to consummate the marriage, and she whips out a pay sheet -- "it'll be this much for a single honey buns, this much for a double babyycakes, and if your looking to leg out a triple sweet cheeks it'll cost this much, and if you want the home run, why you may just as well hand me that gold card you have in your wallet right now my little love muffin."  You know, the more I think of this story the more I'm wondering what's the sicker reality? A. That some bride is actually doing this, or b. that some female "journalist" actually thought this idea up in her twisted mind and then thought it would be a good idea to share it with the world, thus unleashing a new wave of bridal terror heretofore unthought of by mankind.  God help us all in either case.

More wisdom next week.


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